The writer shared her experience about getting the mean mug and a talking to (my words, not hers) from an older couple because she brought her young child into worship at her church. And this writer along with many of her commenters were upset about it. I have found from working in an early childhood ministry for 2 years and being a mommy that this topic of kids being in or out creates a lot of division. I tend to be a mom that tries hard to respect how what others choose when it comes to other hot topic items: breast feeding, discipline, diapering and the list goes on and on. But this one, this one I will put a stake in the ground and share my opinion and why I think I'm right. Consider yourself warned. Also this is our view which means I have formed my opinion (clearly-as many of us do) from my own childhood experiences along with now being a mommy.
I believe it is most appropriate to send kids to a Birth-Kindergarten (actually 5th grade) kid's programming at church and kids to NOT be in church with their parents. There. I said it. Out loud. Phew. And breathe.
We can battle all we want, but it is important to get at the root before we start those conversations. It is essential that we start with establishing what the purpose is or is not because if our purposes don't align than it is pointless to even discuss.
My intended purpose for bringing my kids to church:
1. First and foremost, it is important to me that our church desires our littles to be growing in their relationship with God and others. I want them to not only memorize scripture, but know how to apply it. It is essential to me that they have an age appropriate place for this to take place led by other (gasp) loving Christian adults helping to set that foundation.
Side note #1: Can you imagine wanting to expose/teach your Birth-Kindergarten kid about science and then signing them up for a lecture about biology or chemistry at the U of M? It is laughable to think a kid would gain anything from this experience to meet the goal of growing in the area of science. Which is why there are age appropriate experiential museums to teach such things. We know that this is how they learn. Why is it any different when it comes to learning about God or the Bible?
Side note #2: Cut the cord. Your kids will survive (and dare I say thrive) without you. I know this topic brings up a whole other slue of views regarding separation, but seriously allow your little to not only have a relationship with another adult, but for your little to possibly leave an imprint on the volunteers. It happens. A lot. There is SO much value on both sides that creates a foundation in Christ's love. If you are hesitant in releasing your kid to strangers take an active role and volunteer. Get to know the staff and volunteers. Simple solution.
Side note #3: Give yourself permission to have this treasured time. It is not often when being a parent to littles do we have A WHOLE HOUR to focus on God and growth. Going to church without your kids will have huge benefits. You deserve it. Your family deserves it.
Side note #4: I will say that I would struggle dropping off my littles in a stereotypical nursery and for my pre-schooler to only do crafts (without a solid teaching). If the early childhood ministry is lacking in an area, get involved. Or if your purpose is for them to grow in their relationship with God and others and your church doesn't have that same purpose, find a new church. There is too much at stake to stick around because of family obligations or status.
NOT my intended purpose for bringing my kids to church:
2. While I acknowledge the important skill that we all must learn of sitting still, being quiet and listening, I do NOT look to grown-up church as being a place where my littles learn this skill.
Side note #1: I get that Jesus loved kids and wanted them to be a part of the church, but I just cannot imagine that he would envision this to be: color crayons, cheerios, the knee squeeze and a lot of ssshhhhhs. Being a part of the church whether you are an adult or kid is SO MUCH MORE than going through the motions, doing what you are supposed to and sitting in a sanctuary/worship center/pew. I think walking into a church and knowing without a doubt that it is family/kid friendly is one of our biggest make it or break its. Not only for our own kids, but for the health of the church moving forward. I am not quite sure how it was ever determined that kids sitting in grown-up church was the measuring stick (as I have read and been told) for a family/kid friendly church. My measuring stick? Watching my boys (well Rowan is struggling with some separation anxiety, but hey, what 18 month old isn't?) look forward to church and run full speed to get to their room and volunteers. THAT my friends shows me a church that is family/kid friendly.
Side note #2: I would love for one parent to comment and tell me that when their kids are in church with them that THE PARENTS are truly learning and engaged in worship without distraction. I have done it with my littles...you know...just to test it out. Ha! I needed re-apply my deodorant after and did not hear a lick of anything let alone focus on God. Why even bother at that point? For status? Because this is what you do? It is a lot of work to get out the door with a young family, if nobody is learning or focusing on God, what is the point?
Side note #3: I feel like kids are completely set up for failure. THEY ARE KIDS. They move. They talk louder than they should. They make noise. They giggle. They cry. My question is when they are being kids, how exactly are they learning? How does this experience of failing week after week light a fire of desire to want to come back to church? Another question, if they should be learning to sit still, be quiet and listen, why do parents take measures to make sure they have something kid appropriate along with them?
Side note #4: Fine. So you are ok with re-applying deodorant, shoving cheerios in and not getting anything out of church, but what about the others around you? Envision a woman stepping foot into church for the first time in years. She has just lost her dad, brother and best friend in two months time. The sermon/message is meant for her to hear, but instead you have a kid being a kid in the row behind you that is plain and simple: a distraction. Your desire to teach your kids about sitting still (even though you know they won't) trumps this woman and her relationship with God.
I know without a doubt that Brevin would not have the solid foundation he has if he would have missed out on the following had I drug him to listen to some bald 50 year old guy:
-A kids ministry that wholeheartedly believes that at this early age they can experience Christ's love and be taught about God and His word.
-Ahhhh-mazing volunteers that are using their gifts to genuinely love, care for and teach my kids. My heart truly bursts when I reflect on the meaningful lasting relationships both boys have had with their volunteers.
-Learning in a setting that is age appropriate. Yes this means vibrant colors, creative teachings and small group questions designed to dig deeper for a kid.
-Being with other kids. Learning about Jesus with Brevin's best buddy Anna is absolutely fantastic because now we have a 4 and 6 year old talking about God in their conversations. It cannot get much better than that.
The proof is in the pudding...
Had I known this blog post was coming I would have done an experiment recently.
Our grown-up church did a pretty in depth study of Daniel: 4 weeks long, lots of crazy names to pronounce and convictions.
Just shortly after our early childhood ministry started a Bible Heroes series and one of the weeks was the story of Daniel.
I think it would be interesting to have brought Brevin with me to grown-up church for those 4 weeks and let the car conversation happen to see what he learned.
On our way home from church the day he learned about Daniel in Kid-O-Deo, Brevin shared with me in detail the story of Daniel with the tough names, the angel appearing, God protecting Daniel. He then ended it with, "Mom, Miss Rachel taught me that Daniel believed in God and others didn't like that. Daniel prayed mom. I can pray to God anytime to protect me." It was also a PERFECT teachable moment that allowed us to talk about others not liking that we love Jesus and how mean people can be. Then with a very concerned voice he had a lot of questions about lions and if there were lion's dens in Minnesota. It was an in depth learning and application of Daniel that even I wasn't expecting to hear that day from my 4 1/2 year old.
I am making a hypoposis (how Brevin says hypothesis). I highly doubt that Brevin would have taken away this level of understanding of the story of Daniel had he come to grown-up church with me. Just an educated guess.
So what is my hope from putting myself out there? My hope is for parents to establish (you know through a conversation) what their purpose is in bringing their kids to church. I would venture to guess that it is similar to my purpose. I then would challenge parents that side on bringing their kids into grown-up church to examine the true benefits of this choice and do they fulfill the purpose. I think the reason I feel so passionately about declaring my opinion and it being right is because I not only have a front row seat to seeing my own kids growing in their faith, but working in ministry I know there are 50 stories for my one story about Brevin. If your kid has had a huge growth moment with God from going to grown-up church, please share it, but I have an inclination they are far and few between. If that is true parents, then I urge you to do away with traditions and make a choice that supports fulfilling the purpose of your kids establishing a relationship with God.
7 comments:
Well, you know I agree with 150%!
Here Here! And this is why Children's Ministries have to be supported and solid!! :) Thanks for speaking this out loud.
I saw "miss Rachel" post this on her facebook wall, and out of curiosity, I thought I'd take a read.
Very intriguing topic! I guess I wasn't that aware it was a "hot topic" in today's church. Looking back, I think most of my childhood was spent next to my mother, not paying attention to my dad (as he is a pastor), so my obvious first reaction was to say "What's the big deal?" The churches my dad has pastored usually have tended to be too small to have extra "programs" during church services, and therefore I hadn't really seen this topic in this light.
But after reading this, you bring up many many good points, and I am convinced that when I become a mother, this will be my opinion as well.
So what do you do when your 2 year old cries for the whole hour? I think I am more distracted thinking about how he is struggling. I did this for 3 weeks in a row, he cried for the whole hour. He knows the room, he had day care there. The kids, teachers and toys are different but the room is the same. Any thoughts?
Welcome Hannah, thanks for stopping by! Loved reading your perspective.
Abby, you bring up a valid question...from my own mommy experience I just keep trying every week. Sometimes I get paged because the volunteers were not able to settle down. I then go to the parent/child room and make sure I watch the service on line during nap time. I also have seen the other side of it while working there and volunteers often times surprise me at how much they want the parents to have that one hour so they work hard 1:1 with that kid to calm them/create the relationship with them.
This is a great post. My view is that I think it is great when churches are welcoming to children in worship and I really don't have a problem with other children during the worship service (unless they are old enough, say 9 or 10, to know how to behave better and choose not to...but that's a different case altogether).
However, for me, I have learned that it is far more beneficial for our family if my daughter is in the nursery. I don't feel that I'm cheating her out of a spiritual experience in doing so. Instead, she is forming relationships with other children her age that she will share church and worship experiences with for the rest of her childhood.
We actually switched churches over this. The church that we had been attending didn't have a nursery and it just go to the point where it wasn't even possible for us to bring our very active toddler to worship. Other members of the congregation insisted that she didn't bother *them,* but what they missed was that my husband and I were missing out on the worship that *we* needed.
And, in the long run, I honestly think that a nursery will be more beneficial to my children's upbringing than having them sit through a church service at such a young age. Instead of having early memories of being forced to sit quietly through a long service, she'll have the pleasant memories of more age-appropriate and enjoyable activities.
There hasn't been a consistant person in the room for toddlers, so I guess we will contiue to dance in chruch!
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